kneeling on beans

Early in our marriage, we lived in New Orleans, and my wife taught at a parochial school run by the local archdiocese.  One day, she came home shaking her head over a discussion she had with the parents of one of her students.  I believe his name was Abad.  Abad was one of those kids who had difficulty keeping focus and sometimes behaving appropriately in class.  Then again, we are talking about seven and eight year olds, so keeping focus and behaving inappropriately is occasionally part of the package.

Anyway, during the course of a routine parent-teacher conference with Abad's parents, the subject of some of Abad's behavioral misadventures came up.  Abad's parents were appalled.  His mother promised to speak to him as soon as they got home.  His father promised to make him kneel on beans.

Whether or not the promise to make Abad kneel on beans was real or metaphorical is not clear at this point; however, in a moronic attempt to find humor in the situation, I asked if the beans were going to be cooked first.  With the passage of time, I suppose I could now ask if Abad's father was going to require his son to kneel on my son's cat (whose name is Beans -- get it?).

I know, just as lame.

Which somehow brings me to chapter two of the president, the NFL and football players who opt to protest racial injustice by kneeling during the national anthem.

I thought I was done with this topic, and had disposed of whatever I may have to say about it by reposting my September 25, 2017 thoughts; however, you have to hand it to certain people who have a way of bringing things such as bad pennies back.

First cadet bone spurs announced that the players who do not stand respectfully for the national anthem should be tossed out of the country.

Then a nationally known sports talk host opined on the air about how awful it was that a few bad apple football players were ruining a football game by kneeling during the anthem.  I am not entirely sure of how a football game gets effected to the point of ruination by somebody not standing on the sideline before the game starts during the playing of the national anthem, but I suppose the radio sports jock can explain it to me next time I tune in.  After all, he knows more about sports than I do.  This was right after he had proclaimed that there is no institutional racism among the police, but conceded that there are a few bad apple officers here and there.

Then after the owner of the New York Jets announced that he would pay any fine levied by the NFL against any of his players that may kneel during the anthem, our local congressman announced that the Jets are a disgrace, that the protests of the players were based on lies and that we should all "say goodbye to the Jets".

Let's get a few things out of the way right off the bat.

First, each one of the above examples, cadet bone spurs, the radio sports jock and the congressman are white guys who have never had to deal with racism from the perspective of not being a rich white guy in their lives.  While they may profess to have all the knowledge and experience in the world, they may have gone to the best colleges, they may have the best experience, they may use the best words, and only they can solve this problem, none of them are anything other than middle aged to old rich white guys.  They all live in nice gated or secret service protected homes/mansions in nice neighborhoods where things like that do not happen.

They don't get to tell us what is racist and what is not.

And by "us", I mean the people who are peacefully protesting.  I do not include myself.  I am an upper middle class white guy who had a relatively privileged upbringing and has never had to personally deal with institutional racism aimed at me in my entire life.

Predictably, their minions cheered each announcement.  I am willing to bet their minions are not all rich and do not all live in gated communities.  I am willing to bet that somewhere between ninety-five and ninety-nine percent of the minions who cheered each announcement are white.

Secondly, I will concede right off the bat the argument made by some that in private employment, you cannot simply protest if your employer does not allow it.  This would then bring up a debate as to whether or not the NFL is a private employer, especially on this issue in which since 2009, the owners have been accepting federal government funds to put on a grand extravaganza for the national anthem before each game.  Before then, the anthem was usually played while the teams were in the locker room.  So if the NFL is being subsidized to the tune of millions of dollars by the federal government to put on the show during the anthem, there is a legitimate question as to whether or not there is a right to protest during the anthem, even if your employer tells you not to.  As I have noted before, it was only when the owners were given millions of our tax dollars to trot the players out and stand on the sidelines while giant flags were unfurled and patriots like Roseanne Barr were trotted out to sing the anthem that the rich white guys -- and they are all rich white guys -- had their patriotism stirred.

Okay, Roseanne Barr murdered the national anthem before a baseball game in 1990, but you get the point.

We could also have a grand debate about whether the owners can unilaterally impose the anthem requirements they just did in a collective bargaining environment, but that is a debate for another day, and is more a labor law issue than a civil rights one.  It is worth noting, however, that the issue is probably not dead, as the players union appears ready to challenge any discipline imposed by the league if any players kneel during the anthem.  So we may yet get to witness and/or participate in that debate.

But all of this ignores the important issues raised herein in favor of the usual jingoistic nonsense about peaceful civil protest, a bedrock of our society, indeed something that our nation was founded upon -- i seem to remember something about the founding fathers protesting certain taxes and imposition of royal decrees upon them by the British crown, leading to you know what -- somehow insults the flag, the anthem, the police, the troops, motherhood, apple pie and a football game.

The first amendment guarantees freedom of speech, which includes the right to redress the government over their grievances, but cadet bone spurs, the congressman and the sports radio jock would have those who protest fined, stripped of their employment, possibly stripped of ownership of their franchise and deported to who knows where.

Lets think about this for a moment.

I do not know where the sports radio jock stands on this, but cadet bone spurs and the congressman will not allow a single common sense regulation to be passed that would serve to keep military assault weapons out of the hands of terrorists and crazy people for fear of violating their second amendment rights, but they would eagerly strip away the first amendment rights for a handful of people who knelt on the sideline during the national anthem.  Last time I looked, nobody was killed, maimed or psychologically scarred for life by the forty-niners' quarterback taking a knee.

Is it so awful to see some players kneeling and some standing during the national anthem?  Who got insulted by this?  The guy at the stadium who took the opportunity during the anthem to go to the bathroom, or buy a hot dog and a beer?  Please note that the owners, who are imposing the "respect" for the anthem are not suspending sales of hot dogs and beer during the anthem.  The good folks at home watching the games are not standing for the anthem, and in most cases they do not have to, because the anthem is generally not shown on television, except for play off games and the Super Bowl when they trot out Charlie Pride (1974), Cheryl Ladd (1980) and Lady Gaga (2016) to do the anthem.  Hell, they even had the Dixie Chicks do it once (2003), which surprisingly, did not lead to a boycott of the Super Bowl by every country music station in America.  They even have a person performing the anthem in sign language, as if anyone is watching that.  But all this ignores the fact that nobody is standing at attention in their living rooms, their hands over their hearts, during the playing of the national anthem.

And cadet bone spurs, the congressman and the radio sports jock are not calling for the heads of the good folks at home, because they are not standing with their hands over their hearts in their living rooms singing along with the anthem.  We know cadet bone spurs is not, because he has demonstrated that he apparently does not know the words.  They each claim this constitutionally protected form of speech insults the troops.  You know, the military.  That portion of the country that puts their lives on the line to protect those freedoms of speech.  That collection of brave and honorable people that cadet bone spurs, the congressman and the radio sports jock never bothered to enlist and serve with.

So what in the long run is more important, standing or kneeling during the national anthem or ensuring the civil rights of all our citizens.

Is it more a matter of national importance if the cornerback of the Kansas City Chiefs is not singing along with the national anthem or perhaps that a few miles away in Ferguson, Missouri, the police are shooting an unarmed man in the street because he happens to be black.

Is it more a matter of national importance that the linebacker of the New York Jets is not standing there with his hand over his heart or perhaps that a few miles away on Staten Island a black man is choked to death by a white police officer for selling cigarettes on the sidewalk.

Is it more a matter of national importance that the left tackle of the Minnesota Vikings is kneeling on the sideline or perhaps a few miles away a white police officer has shot a black man in his car who is reaching for his i.d.

And even if you think that the white officers were right in doing what they did in each case, or that the victim in each case somehow asked for it, had it coming, or was somehow to blame for being killed, isn't it more important to address the issues that each case raises rather than worry about who is standing there on the sideline of a football game, hand over heart, bleating out the words to a song they do not care about and just want to get over with.

You would think that cadet bone spurs and the congressman would want to hold hearings and work on legislation, education and initiatives to better understand each other to ensure everyone is treated with dignity and respect and gets the opportunity for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that the constitution guarantees, rather than pay homage to a battle that virtually nobody would remember if Francis Scott Key had not written a poem that other than having been set to the tune of a British drinking song would have been long forgotten today (it was not made the National Anthem until 1931) and a piece of cloth.  You would think the congressman would be hard at work at this; however, the only work of his I recall are hearings he held to find out why we are allowing Muslims into this country.

So until we see something -- anything -- from these folks to advance true and fair civil rights for all, they have no right to tell us what is or is not disgraceful about kneeling on the sideline at a football game during the National Anthem.

Until then, they can all go kneel on beans.

michael, mommy and me

I have a couple of announcements to make today, and if you believe any of them, I have a bridge in Brooklyn, or maybe some condos in Manhattan, Florida and Dubai I want to sell you...

1.  I have hired Michael Cohen, and placed him on retainer.  To outdo you know who, the guy who only paid him thirty-five thousand ($35,000.00) dollars a month, apparently because he is more of a cheap bastard than I am, I have decided to pay Mr. Cohen, whom I have not known and never met for more than a dozen or so years, fifty thousand ($50,000.00) dollars a month.  Why?  Well, somewhere out there are dozens of women.  Some of them are porn stars.  Some of them are high fashion models.  All of them are going to claim at some time in the future that they have had sexual affairs with me in the past. 

I absolutely and categorically deny that I have ever had sex with any of these ladies, who are all obviously lying about sleeping with me for reasons I cannot figure out.  Well, on the other hand, look at me.  Imagine me in a speedo.  And nothing else.  Yeah?  I mean, hell yeah!?!  What woman would not want a piece of this, or at least would not want to make people think they would want a piece of this? 

But I digress...

I need to keep this quiet, lest my wife, who will pick up a tree and hit me over the head with it, finds out.

I have been very careful about setting this up.  After all, Mr. Cohen appears to have plenty of time on his hands these days.  He only has three other clients, and two of them have gone on television the past few weeks to announce that they give him very little work, and that the work they do give him is not that significant.  Mr. Cohen will therefore have plenty of time to devote to my....  um.... issues, and I will have satisfied my inner need to render charity unto a fellow struggling attorney while saving my own outer hide.

I have contacted the finest newspapers, journals and periodicals in the country.  I mean, I have have had Mr. Cohen contact the finest newspapers, journals and periodicals in the country.  They have assured me...  I mean, Mr. Cohen, that this story will never hit the news.  The editor of the National Enquirer in particular has let Mr. Cohen know that the photos of me in a speedo, voluptuous mostly naked fawning women wrapped in both of my arms, in the hot tub in the master bedroom of the presidential suite at the Plaza Hotel, where I never was, at least not with these particular women, will never see the light of day.

In order to pay for all of this, I am going to funnel the money through a family trust account.  Alright, I do not have a family trust account, but my mother does, and I have direct online access to the funds as they are linked to my meager retirement account.  Mom won't mind, because I'm not going to tell her I am doing this.  Besides, if it ever comes out that I am paying Michael Cohen $50,000.00 a month to shut up a bunch of porn stars and high fashion models from publishing tell alls about my you know what prowess, I can always plausibly argue that Mom paid him without my knowledge for specific reasons I am not aware of, but generally because she loves me.  Right Mommy dearest, thou whom I adore above all other mothers, both living and dead? 

Right? 

Mom?

Hello?

By funneling the shut up money through Mom's family trust account, the real source and reasons for the payoffs will never become public, and cannot be traced back to me, even if my tax returns are subpoenaed by Robert Mueller.  Not that I would ever release the tax returns to Mr. Mueller, as fine a left wing biased prosecutor leading a vast far left liberal conspiracy witch hunt as there ever was.  If Mr. Mueller goes after Mom, I know plenty of recently out of work attorneys who would be happy to assist.  Michael Dowd.  Ty Cobb.  Maybe Rod Rosenstein, Rudy Giuliani and even Robert Mueller himself in the near future, just to name a few.  So we need not worry about Mom going to jail for me.  Besides, if she does, I bake a mean, and I mean a really mean devil's food cake, complete with twelve inch metal file with replaceable blades in the middle. 

Errr...  I mean, my wife bakes a really great cake.  You ever tried to taste anything I baked?

And finally...

2.  I hereby announce my candidacy for the office of president of the United States of America...