I have a couple of announcements to make today, and if you believe any of them, I have a bridge in Brooklyn, or maybe some condos in Manhattan, Florida and Dubai I want to sell you...
1. I have hired Michael Cohen, and placed him on retainer. To outdo you know who, the guy who only paid him thirty-five thousand ($35,000.00) dollars a month, apparently because he is more of a cheap bastard than I am, I have decided to pay Mr. Cohen, whom I have not known and never met for more than a dozen or so years, fifty thousand ($50,000.00) dollars a month. Why? Well, somewhere out there are dozens of women. Some of them are porn stars. Some of them are high fashion models. All of them are going to claim at some time in the future that they have had sexual affairs with me in the past.
I absolutely and categorically deny that I have ever had sex with any of these ladies, who are all obviously lying about sleeping with me for reasons I cannot figure out. Well, on the other hand, look at me. Imagine me in a speedo. And nothing else. Yeah? I mean, hell yeah!?! What woman would not want a piece of this, or at least would not want to make people think they would want a piece of this?
But I digress...
I need to keep this quiet, lest my wife, who will pick up a tree and hit me over the head with it, finds out.
I have been very careful about setting this up. After all, Mr. Cohen appears to have plenty of time on his hands these days. He only has three other clients, and two of them have gone on television the past few weeks to announce that they give him very little work, and that the work they do give him is not that significant. Mr. Cohen will therefore have plenty of time to devote to my.... um.... issues, and I will have satisfied my inner need to render charity unto a fellow struggling attorney while saving my own outer hide.
I have contacted the finest newspapers, journals and periodicals in the country. I mean, I have have had Mr. Cohen contact the finest newspapers, journals and periodicals in the country. They have assured me... I mean, Mr. Cohen, that this story will never hit the news. The editor of the National Enquirer in particular has let Mr. Cohen know that the photos of me in a speedo, voluptuous mostly naked fawning women wrapped in both of my arms, in the hot tub in the master bedroom of the presidential suite at the Plaza Hotel, where I never was, at least not with these particular women, will never see the light of day.
In order to pay for all of this, I am going to funnel the money through a family trust account. Alright, I do not have a family trust account, but my mother does, and I have direct online access to the funds as they are linked to my meager retirement account. Mom won't mind, because I'm not going to tell her I am doing this. Besides, if it ever comes out that I am paying Michael Cohen $50,000.00 a month to shut up a bunch of porn stars and high fashion models from publishing tell alls about my you know what prowess, I can always plausibly argue that Mom paid him without my knowledge for specific reasons I am not aware of, but generally because she loves me. Right Mommy dearest, thou whom I adore above all other mothers, both living and dead?
Right?
Mom?
Hello?
By funneling the shut up money through Mom's family trust account, the real source and reasons for the payoffs will never become public, and cannot be traced back to me, even if my tax returns are subpoenaed by Robert Mueller. Not that I would ever release the tax returns to Mr. Mueller, as fine a left wing biased prosecutor leading a vast far left liberal conspiracy witch hunt as there ever was. If Mr. Mueller goes after Mom, I know plenty of recently out of work attorneys who would be happy to assist. Michael Dowd. Ty Cobb. Maybe Rod Rosenstein, Rudy Giuliani and even Robert Mueller himself in the near future, just to name a few. So we need not worry about Mom going to jail for me. Besides, if she does, I bake a mean, and I mean a really mean devil's food cake, complete with twelve inch metal file with replaceable blades in the middle.
Errr... I mean, my wife bakes a really great cake. You ever tried to taste anything I baked?
And finally...
2. I hereby announce my candidacy for the office of president of the United States of America...
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