1. Mountain lions occasionally are spotted in the hills near Pomona, California. Hunting rifles at all administrative desks at Barfield Elementary School will prevent the lions from entering the schools and stealing art supplies.
2. An AK-47 would clearly repel alligators from entering Everglades School in Everglades City, Florida. If that doesn't work, we could always try requiring the teachers to wear alligator shoes, alligator belts, and carry alligator purses to fool the invading critters.
3. Moose have occasionally crossed the road in Ketchikan, Alaska. We need teams of fully armed janitors to prevent them from entering Schoenbar Middle School. If that doesn't work, we can always try deploying a team of flying squirrels.
4. What child at Cherokee Elementary School in Paradise Valley, Arizona does not fear an invasion of rattlesnakes in the lunch room? Arming the cafeteria staff would certainly protect the children. Besides, rattlesnake tastes like chicken.
5. Fire ants have invaded the deep south. I know, bites from fire ants put me in the hospital when we lived there during Hurricane Juan in 1985. If only we had high powered weaponry to blow away the queen before she sent her minions into St. Anthony's School in Gretna, Lousiaiana.
6. We need to arm all teachers in Astoria, New York to ensure the students at Long Island Public School 70 do not get attacked by droppings from pigeons passing overhead. This would also work to ease air congestion from flights into and out of LaGuardia Airport.
Further suggestions to protect our children are gladly accepted, and will be passed along to the United States Department of Education upon the confirmation of Ms. DeVos.
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