more likely...

Sooooo.....

Today Cadet Bone Spurs looked right into the camera and with a straight face told us all that he would have run into Stoneman Douglas High School to confront, disarm and possibly kill the shooter, even if he was not armed.  

He said it with a straight face.

Which got me to thinking.

There have to be at least a million and one things that might happen on the planet, and/or are at least are likely for me to do before he storms the p. s. 70 lunch room.  I hereby present a brief list of things that are more likely to happen or that I might do before Cadet Bone Spurs comes to the rescue....

1.  The Jamaican bobsled team wins gold!!!

2.  The American Ballet Theatre asks me to dance the lead in in Swan Lake.

3.  I accept the invitation of the American Ballet Theatre to dance the lead in Swan Lake.

4.  I actually dance the lead in Swan Lake.  

5.  In Times Square.  

By the way, I have a great feather boa/costume just waiting...

6.  Queen Elizabeth hosts the Pope at Buckingham Palace and personally cooks him a seven course dinner featuring the finest in Ethiopean cuisine.

7.  I visit the planet Remulak and consume mass quantities with Dan Ackroyd.  By the way, in case you were wondering, the planet Remulak is actually located about ten minutes north of Philadelphia.

8.  Vincente Fox shows up with a crew of bricklayers along the Rio Grande and starts personally building a wall.

9.  A herd of cows wearing bikinis recites the entire works of Shakespeare for discerning diners in Tavern on the Green.  Among the diners that evening is Steven Spielberg, who immediately begins filming a remake of E.T. on the spot featuring the cows coming home.

10.  I stand in front of one of the exhibits at the Tate Modern, and actually understand it.

11.  I then realize that I understand this mishmosh on display at the Tate Modern, because I am the one who painted it.

12.  Using peanut butter.  

13.  Creamy style.  After all, who can paint with crunchy peanut butter?

14.  The Nobel Prize for literature is awarded to Dr. Suess.

15.  The Nobel Prize for medicine is awarded to Dr. Suess.  Hey.  It could happen.  I mean, he's a doctor.  Right?

16.  On my way driving to San Jose with my wife, I get lost, and actually stop at a bar and ask for directions.

17.  After all, who wouldn't want to stop at a bar that has an old Victrola playing in the background and ask the first person you see "Do you know the way to San Jose"...

18.  It would be as much fun as pulling alongside a limo at a red light and asking the snob inside if he has any grey poupon...

19.  Wayne LaPierre registers as a conscientous objector.  Well, I actually debated between this one and Wayne runs up, pulls the trigger and a flag with the word "Bang!" pops out of the barrel.  I like the visual on that one.

20.  One thousand glock toting public school teachers arrive at school tomorrow morning and are told by Betsy DeVos to put the guns away and accept instead bonuses allowing them to buy all the supplies their classes will need for the rest of the year.

and finally....

21.  I run into a school building unarmed and stop a shooter by singing "Kumbaya" to him.

I invite all suggestions to add to the list, which is not authoritative or exhaustive...